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I had always wanted children, and many people around me felt that motherhood would suit me perfectly. When my partner and I decided to stop using contraception, I became pregnant shortly after. I was fortunate to experience an uncomplicated pregnancy and looked forward with joy to the adventure ahead with a baby. It had always been clear to me that I wanted two children. The only fear I mentioned at my first appointment with the midwife was developing postpartum depression. I was already familiar with my own low moods and, in my first career as a psychiatric nurse, had encountered a number of new mothers in perinatal crisis. The thought of falling into such a dark place at this moment in my life – or of developing postpartum psychosis – felt terrifying.
My labour began as planned, midwife-led. But everything took a different turn: instead of a spontaneous birth, an emergency caesarean section became necessary. Added to this was the fear for our daughter, who had to be transferred to a hospital with a neonatal unit.
I already knew that instant maternal love is not universal, but the feeling of hoping, after the operation, that the father would keep that little miracle away from me for as long as possible – that terrible feeling I will never forget. Even today, guilt sometimes washes over me for having thought that way in that moment.
