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Until my first pregnancy, a lot of time passed with waiting, hopes, disappointments, worries, hormone treatments, and several miscarriages. When it finally worked and I was pregnant with our absolutely desired child, my world felt perfect, and I was overjoyed.
The postpartum depression (PPD) right after my son's birth struck like lightning, devastating my soul and shaking my faith in happy motherhood. It took nine long months before I could lead a “normal” life again and slowly approach “being happy.” However, the PPD left deep wounds that, although healed, remain present in my consciousness.
After nearly two healthy, medication-free years, the desire for a second child arose in me – and especially in my husband. We decided to embark on the adventure again and stopped using contraception. This time, however, we wanted to forgo any form of “assistance,” and I fully expected that it would likely take a long time again or might not work at all.
All the more surprised was I when, after the first contraception-free cycle, I stared at a positive pregnancy test. The surprise was huge, and I was overwhelmed with initial joy and absolute elation. But after a few days on cloud nine, the first dark clouds appeared. I realized that the decision had now been made and could not be undone. What if the PPD returned? What would I do with my older son if I had to go to a mother-baby unit again with the baby? Could I survive that hell again?
It was an “up and down” – the joy and infinite delight of pregnancy alternated with fears and panicked thoughts about the time after birth. So I started creating a checklist for myself on how I could organize the time after birth. I listed all the factors that had caused stress during my first PPD and thought of suitable solutions. It looked something like this:
That was my checklist. It was an essential part of my second pregnancy. It gave me the feeling that I could actively do something to counteract another PPD. I was fully aware that many solutions involved – sometimes significant – extra costs. However, I hoped these expenses would be well-invested in my health. During my first PPD, I had incurred considerable clinic costs not covered by insurance. I hoped that, this time, I could keep costs lower. Perhaps lighter versions of my solutions would also work? Everyone’s situation differs, and each must find personal solutions for their stress factors.
You’re probably wondering if PPD occurred again after the birth. No, I was fortunate to be spared this time. There were days when I felt on a narrow edge, knowing a “misstep” could send me spiraling, but somehow I always regained balance. Was it thanks to my checklist? Probably not – so many factors play a role in PPD. But the checklist certainly removed a large part of fear and pressure during pregnancy, allowing me to mostly experience happiness about the growing life within me. It gave me the sense of being as prepared as possible for life after birth – with or without PPD.